We Have Ourselves A Hockey Game

I'm tired. Not physically. Mentally. Ugh. Today sucked. The day before the sucked. The day before that sucked. Etc.

I'm never drinking two cups of coffee again either. If I weren't frustrated enough, I've finally learned my lesson. Too much coffee makes me feel anxious and uneasy.

Dogs suck. Ok? They just do. I don't care what you say. They are awful and overrated. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

And they jump at you. And they get all "OMG!"ish around you if they don't know you. And they're stupid but everyone treats them like they're so smart. I mean, some are. You know, the ones that sniff out illegal drugs and rescue people in avalanches. Those ones are pretty sweet, I'll admit it. But your dog that shakes your hand or plays fetch. That's not cool. That dog is just demoralizing itself for either:

a) A treat.
b) Anything that resembles fun because its life sucks.

Now, I have four cats. Perhaps that makes me dumber than a dog. I mean, cats are WITHOUT A FUCKING DOUBT, in general, better than dogs but four? That's ridiculously dumb.

However, it's better than having a stupid dog. Cats don't learn tricks because they're smart enough to ask themselves, "why should I". That's pretty intelligent if you ask me.

At the same time, my cats will play fetch but if we play fetch it's when they want to play, if they want to play. And there's a certain amount of "meet me half way" attitude that the cat has when playing. Part of that is definitely laziness but it's also intelligent (intelligent in the same way people are intelligent so take from that what you will).

There are days when I wake up and think "fuck off cat". So I'm not trying to make it sound like we should all start worshiping cats. In fact, I have this one cat that's a total bitch. I'm so tempted to take it to the vet and "pretend" I don't know what putting an animal to sleep means. Ah, I can't do that.

Still, there isn't a single day where I'm not happy that my cats will go poop all by themselves.

Awful rant. I give myself a 2/10. That was so forced.

G'night Y'all!

P.S. Would a drug-sniffing dog not be a heroine addicts best investment ever?

Nope

Ok, so I think I've written about 5 entries worth of stuff tonight. It's just not happening. I keep deleting everything I write. It sucks. So, here it is. This is my entry for tonight.

G'night Y'all!

Like...man...did you ever think that maybe we're all just part of...like...one particle on someone elses hand?

Ok, so I read/heard a funny "and that's how the fight started" joke today. Here's how it went:

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'...and that's how the fight started.....

I'm not sure if it's actually funny or if I'm just "soooo stressed".

Yeah, life sucks. I'm stressed and miserable. *cut* There are so many things to hate right now. First of all, everyone's retarded. I could go on and explain this one a bit more but it might take forever. Everyone's selfish, jealous and inconsiderate.

Our Prime Minister is fucking evil. Today he's trying to...well I'd say he's trying to become the fucking dictator of our true north strong and free country. Yeah, just bankrupt all the political parties but your own so no one can challenge you on everything. BAM! Suddenly everyone's paying for health care, we're off to fight some random war, you get hanged for smoking marijuana, homeless people are burned alive, women who want an abortion get another baby stuffed up just for even daring to ask, gay people are sent to space and released on the moon to have their blood pressure explode and their eyes pop out of their heads and...you get the picture.

Sad thing is, I'm not even sure if I'm exaggerating. Scary stuff (See earlier entry "Fuck").

Alright, let's sort of change topics.

You can't NOT be yourself. Ok? That's impossible. Suppose we play along. What does it mean to not be yourself? To be fake I suppose? Well guess what. If you're fake that says something about the real you. It's a part of who you are. Thus, it's IMPOSSIBLE to not be yourself. Next time you hear Dora the Explorer or someone telling kids to be themselves, kick them in the groin. Twice for the girls. It's only fair.

Yeah, alright. Tomorrow's entry will be happier.

G'night Y'all!

Snow, eh?

I was laying in bed last night (only till' like, 3 in the fucking morning) and I totally had a great idea for tonight's entry. And so here we go...

Oh! Right! Damnit! I forgot! I forgot my great idea!

Ugh.

So, now I've been thinking it would be so great if I learned about something COMPLETELY new. Like, sex new. Remember when you first figured out what sex is? You were probably like "Holy shit. No. No. No. That's...just...no. No. No way. Well, first of all that doesn't make any...well no it actually makes a lot of sense I guess. This changes everything".

I want another moment like that. I dunno, like maybe when you turn 40 in order to keep living you have to lick a chimp's nipples. And for whatever reason adults just haven't told us yet because they're embarrassed or something.

That's not a good example. And I'll never come up with a good enough example because what I'm talking about would be such a revolutionary bit of news to me that my current imagination couldn't possibly think of something that would match this new finding.

This blog thing is kicking my ass tonight. So is life in general. Thanks God/Jesus/Santa. You've been falling asleep at the wheel the past few months. So get your shit together, would ya?

I'm starting to remember something I was thinking about as I fell asleep. And I remember I immediately decided not to write about it in this blog. Well, I forgot about what I actually wanted to write about so I'll just write about this lesser idea anyways. And then I'll tell you why I didn't want to write about it.

I was thinking I have a lot more poetic thoughts than I'm able to express. I'm just generally not good at expressing them. And that frustrates me.

And then I stopped myself. Why? 'Cause it makes me sound so full of myself. "I'm so deep". Blah.

I'll just stop myself altogether and end this entry. I'm in a writing mood but it's not coming out. I'll try to write every day while I'm away this weekend so that when I get back I'll have a bunch of entries to post one after another.

G'night Y'all!

It's turning out all the same

I've decided I'm going to attempt to write in this thing every day. Like, fo' real. I don't know what will keep me doing it cause' I'm not going to do anything Dobbyish to myself but... I'll just try. Except for this weekend because I'll be away. Woohoo!

What's planned for tonight? Man crushes. Guys, we all have them. It's definitely not a homosexual thing. And if it was I'd be totally out about it. No, it's very heterosexual. Nothing sexual, except for the hetero part. Mhm.

Anyways, so yeah, we all have them. And you ladies out there have your lady crushes too, you know you do. You guys (and by guys I mean just girls, and heterosexual girls too because we're talking about heterosexual lady crushes. Lesbians have lady crushes too but they aren't heterosexual lady crushes.) are all into Regina Spektor or something. I think. I'm not sure. Actually, I'd love to know what famous women women like. Oprah? Nah. I don't think that fits.

Right, so back to MY man crushes. These are people who basically make my heart feel all warm and fuzzy. They get my blood flowing but not to my penis. Here we go:

1) Chris McCaughan - Yeah. He's awesome. For those of you who don't know who he is (which is most likely all of you...if anyone even reads this...which would make it even more likely that it is all of you who do not know who he is. That made sense. Just read it again. Except you don't exist so how do you read it again? Fuck.) he is the guitarist for The Lawrence Arms (Mah favourite band) and he also has his acoustic solo side project Sundowner (which I recommend to everyone).

Why do I like him? He writes beautiful music and he's very poetic. Aw, dreamy. His music is basically about nothing and drinking and stuff. I dunno, it sounds lame but I've always really loved his lyrics. He's good looking too, so there's that. Haha.

2) Mats Sundin - I'm putting this as #2 so there's someone you [no ones] will recognize. His stock in my heart (oh, that makes sense I think but it doesn't read well. Whatever, I'm leaving it) fell a little. He didn't waive his NTC to go to another team which basically set the Leafs back at least a year or two in their rebuilding. Alright, I'll shut up about hockey. Anyways, he's just a guy you have to like if you're a hockey fan. There's probably a few other hockey players I could list in this entry. I'll just try to place them under this section - Martin Brodeur, Jarome Iginla, Saku Koivu, etc. etc. etc.

3) Jeff Marek - He used to host Leafs on Am 640. Now he hosts CBC's HNIC radio show. That show is on Siruis radio so I can't listen to him anymore. It's been a couple years since I've heard his voice. He has inspired me to become a radio host though. This one is probably less of a man crush and more of an inspiration. Whatever.

4) Brian Fallon - Guitarist and vocals for The Gaslight Anthem. If you haven't heard this band yet, DO CHECK THEM OUT RIGHT THE FUCKING NOW. Yeah. I've been saying for a while now that this band can only go so underrated for so long. They're amazing. I had the pleasure (again, heterosexual so not physical pleasure) of seeing The Gaslight Anthem a few weeks ago. It sent shivers down my spine. Go to their myspace or something. Just make sure you listen to them and give them a real chance. Anyways, this guy writes good music with good vocals and he's good looking so he has made it on my list.

5) Tomas Kalnoky - Another musician. I'm sure everyone's heard Streetlight Manifesto so you guys know who he is. He writes really good music (duh or he wouldn't be on the list right?). I especially like hearing him play acoustically. I heard a 45-minute interview with him recently. He's an interesting guy.

6) Brenden Kelly - Another freakin' musician. Ok, so music plays a big part in my life. This guy probably borders on douchebag. He splits the vocals with Chris McCaughan in The Lawrence Arms (they each write and sing their own songs). His music isn't so much as beautiful as fun to listen to. What really gets me with Brenden though is his blog. It's called Bad Sandwich Chronicles. It's funny. Really funny. And it's become a bit of a daily thing for me now. When I get home from school the first thing I do is check out his newest entry. It's great comedy.

7) Brad Pitt - Pfft. Yeah, not actually.

8) Andy Frost - He's the Leafs P.A. announcer at the ACC. He's actually a little frustrating to listen to when he does the post-game talks on AM 640. But his voice is godly. So, I have a man crush on his voice.

BAM! I can't think of any. Infact, I was sorta pushing it with Andy Frost. I even wrote a bit about Darren Dregger but deleted it. His hockey reporting makes me happy but not to the point where it can be considered a man crush. Plus, like, he's soooooo old.

Yeah, I think this entry has run it's course.

G'night Y'all!

P.S. Holy shit I almost forgot about Bret McKenzie. God, I love Flight of The Conchords so much.

G'night Y'all!

Santa Claus is actually grown-up Jesus

And that'll be the subject of tonight's entry kids. It's been a while.

So, Jesus. Carpenters make a lot of money. It's true. However, there comes a time (I guess) when a person wants to mix it up a lil' and get a career change. For Jesus this change came roughly 2000 years after he started his career as a carpenter.

Now, first he took a break. He went through some emotional turmoil and thought it would be best to enjoy retired life. He basically laid low and spent time with pops. This was nice, for a while, but eventually he decided he wanted to get back into the workforce.

Times had changed though. People were going crazy for celebrities. There was a time when Jesus could walk down the streets only to be bothered by several "hi"s and "hello"s but things were different. Sensing this change, Jesus decided that his next career was going to have to be a bit disguised.

He sat down at his desk with some markers and a notepad similar to that scene in Spider-man where Peter Parker is trying to design his costume. Some fashion-historians criticize Jesus's taste but this is what he came up with:

He adopted the alias 'Santa Claus' and set up business in the North Pole. Jesus gathered many of his midget friends from Heaven and called them 'elves'.

Jesus's business was built upon the trading of gifts for cookies. He wanted to share his magnificent toys (often made by big-name toy companies such as Hasbro) with the world but he wasn't about to just give em' away. No. The man knows what he wants. It was said that Jesus even spoke of his craving for cookies as he died on the cross.

The Lord's carpenter skills actually came in quite handy in his second career as he taught his midget friends how to make really awesome stuff.

Finally, Jesus took out a loan and bought himself several reindeer. He combined them with his graduation gift from his father, a sleigh, and used the reindeer to deliver the gifts.

Obsessed with the idea of judging people on whether they've been good or bad, Jesus created a list to decide whether kids were being naughty or nice. He thought of this as a preview of the judgment the children would experience at the golden gates after they died. Jesus used his ability to watch everyone at once, yes even while they went #2, in order to keep his list up to date.

And there you have it. The story of Santa.

G'night Y'all!