Santa Claus is actually grown-up Jesus

And that'll be the subject of tonight's entry kids. It's been a while.

So, Jesus. Carpenters make a lot of money. It's true. However, there comes a time (I guess) when a person wants to mix it up a lil' and get a career change. For Jesus this change came roughly 2000 years after he started his career as a carpenter.

Now, first he took a break. He went through some emotional turmoil and thought it would be best to enjoy retired life. He basically laid low and spent time with pops. This was nice, for a while, but eventually he decided he wanted to get back into the workforce.

Times had changed though. People were going crazy for celebrities. There was a time when Jesus could walk down the streets only to be bothered by several "hi"s and "hello"s but things were different. Sensing this change, Jesus decided that his next career was going to have to be a bit disguised.

He sat down at his desk with some markers and a notepad similar to that scene in Spider-man where Peter Parker is trying to design his costume. Some fashion-historians criticize Jesus's taste but this is what he came up with:

He adopted the alias 'Santa Claus' and set up business in the North Pole. Jesus gathered many of his midget friends from Heaven and called them 'elves'.

Jesus's business was built upon the trading of gifts for cookies. He wanted to share his magnificent toys (often made by big-name toy companies such as Hasbro) with the world but he wasn't about to just give em' away. No. The man knows what he wants. It was said that Jesus even spoke of his craving for cookies as he died on the cross.

The Lord's carpenter skills actually came in quite handy in his second career as he taught his midget friends how to make really awesome stuff.

Finally, Jesus took out a loan and bought himself several reindeer. He combined them with his graduation gift from his father, a sleigh, and used the reindeer to deliver the gifts.

Obsessed with the idea of judging people on whether they've been good or bad, Jesus created a list to decide whether kids were being naughty or nice. He thought of this as a preview of the judgment the children would experience at the golden gates after they died. Jesus used his ability to watch everyone at once, yes even while they went #2, in order to keep his list up to date.

And there you have it. The story of Santa.

G'night Y'all!