Happy BJ Day Eve everyone!

BJ = Birthday Jesus

Yay, Friday is the first day of the WJC. Go Canada! And Saturday is Mats Sundin's first game as a Vancouver Canucks.

Yup, I think that's about all that's going on these days. I'll tell you what HASN'T been going on. Writing in this blog. I'm doing an awful job. I guess I should stop lying. Every day doesn't seem to work. Whatever, I just won't let this thing die at least.

So, today we're gonna talk about jokes that aren't funny.

-The obvious ones. Knock knock jokes, chicken, etc. etc. etc.

- Anything on a t-shirt. "I'm with stupid" was never funny and anything else printed on a shirt is not either. No, "tell your boobs to stop looking at my eyes" isn't funny.

Check out this site: Snorg Tees

Nothing there is funny. I mean, it might be funny. But it's not funny when someone wears it. This is because:

a) The person wearing it did not come up with the clever joke. They are only taking the credit. This makes them douchebags. This is also why Nathan's shirts are an exception.

b) You know that the person, whether you know them well and have seen it or not, will undoubtedly wear the shirt again. This is not cool. The joke will get old after the first time (again, I think Nathan's shirts are an exception) so this is really just dumb. It's a much better idea to take one of these pictures and make it your MSN DP for a day or something. Even then, it's stupid, but but at least you aren't repeating it over and over.

note: The picture on that site that says "I'll be Bach" with a picture of Bach half terminator IS actually pretty funny. You might be able to wear that one twice.

-Anything to do with hillbillies(1). Yeah. Nah, it's just not funny. Hillbillies are walking jokes themselves except their boring. So a joke about a hillbillies is kinda lame and still boring.

-Jokes about how awesome you are. No one will ever find this funny. Saying something like "cause I'm awesome", or whatever, is not entertaining. Now, this one is alright in that it doesn't make you look bad (unless you overuse it) so it sorta balances out. It's as if you never said anything.

-Jokes about Michael Jackson. And everyone thinks their MJ jokie is just fucking hilarious. Well, it isn't. It's REALLY easy to make a Michael Jackson joke. I mean, REEEEEEALLY easy. So none of them are funny.

-Internet videos that are TOO random. This is sort of personal preference. So, if you like this then whatever. But let me explain myself. This is sort of like Michael Jackson jokes too in that they're very easy to do. Oh, wow, you made a 5 min. video of stuff that just popped into your head. Ha ha ha ha FUCKING HA. There has to be some cleverness involved. It gets really boring just watching/hearing about absolutely "random" stuff. It put quotation marks around the word random because I'm questioning how it's used in this context too. It isn't random if you sit at your computer and try to think of bizarre things/whatever comes into your brain. Random has to happen...uh...RANDOMLY!

-Fart jokes. Yeah, I dunno. Farts can be funny if done at the right moment. But, even I, yes I, have mostly outgrown them. And jokes ABOUT them are not funny.

-Jokes about getting hit in the balls. This is never funny. Guys, we have all been struck. It's not so funny. No, it's really not. It feels like someone has compressed your stomache and then shoved it up your throat. It's awful. Women, you can not comprehend. Now, I won't be one of those dumbasses who says "we'll never know whether getting kicked in the balls or pregnancy hurts more". Obviously pregnancy hurts more. But you know what you get at the end of a pregnancy (which is more rare than a groin attack)? A baby. You know what you get at the end of a ball bashing? Nothing. No joke about getting hit in the sac is funny. And laughing at a joke like that makes you a douchebag as well.

-Jokes about how the Leafs suck. See "Michael Jackson" or "getting hit in the balls". Congrats, you managed to say that the Leafs suck. You are both uncreative and unfunny. Chances are you probably don't even pay attention to hockey. You just think you're funny. Well you aren't. Yes, the team sucks. And if you're an ACTUAL fan of the sport is CAN be funny. But jokes
themselves about the team sucking are not funny.

That's really all I'e got but I'm sure there's a ton more.

Have yourself a great BJ day everyone.

(1) Ashley.

G'night Y'all!

Where do I stand? I forget but I'll assume on the ground at least

NP: Green Means Go - The Color Wheels

You know what pisses me off? When people say dumb shit like "Well, it's times like this that I realize God is really working for me". So I guess God has favourites, eh? Jesus Christ, that's a stupid thing to say. Whatever, I won't get started. I guess I did. I won't continue.

Oh boy. What do we write about tonight? I finally figured out what song to do for Battle of the Bands. So we're now doing:

Your Ex-lover Is Dead - Stars
Prayer of the Refugee - Rise Against
Blue Jeans and White T-shirts - The Gaslight Anthem.

We're gonna be awesome too. So far the Stars one is sounding pretty good. I'm sure Prayer of the Refugee will. And if I can manage to not suck for Gaslight, that'll be pretty sweet too. Or, we'll just flop. No. We won't. And, pending, The BJs is a pretty awesome band name if I'm not mistaken.

Ok, another mini-rant. Have I done the one about Guns n' Roses? No? Ok, let's do this. So, people bitch and moan about how good music isn't made anymore. And then AC-DC and Guns n' Roses come out with new music. Good right? No. Those people just like to complain. These new albums sound just like their other stuff. Even Guns n' Roses which isn't the same band, right? Whatever. It's the same sort of distinct sound. But those people complain and complain anyways.

There is some great music out there being made these days. You just have to look for it.

So shut the fuck up people. I'm sorry that AC-DC didn't just write the SAME EXACT OVERPLAYED SONG. I'm sorry that Guns n' Roses didn't just make Welcome to the Jungle ver. 2.

This.

Entry.

Would.

Seem.

A.

Lot.

Longer.

If.

I.

Made.

Every.

Word.

It's.

Own.

Paragraph.

Now.

It.

Does.

G'night Y'all!

PB + J go together but P and BJ don't

NP: This One Goes Out To The Friends I Never Had - Catch-22

Holy shitcow it's been a while. A really long time. Every night I'd go "oh shit...blog...must write..." and then I'd fall asleep. And so, even though I'm dead tired right now too, I'm writing. Sorry...what is it, 3 or so faithful readers I'm up to now?

I'm just having the darndest time figuring out what song to choose for the battle of the bands. I'm kinda down to this right now:

Mercy Me - Alkaline Trio
Help Me - Alkaline Trio
Every Thug Needs A Lady - Alkaline Trio
Complete Control - The Clash
Gainesville - Dillinger Four
Brick Wall Views - The Lawrence Arms
100 Resolutions - The Lawrence Arms
Chapter 13: The Hero Appears - The Lawrence Arms
Are We There Yet Margaret? - The Lawrence Arms
Knowledge - Operation Ivy
Sound System - Operation Ivy
Unity - Operation Ivy
This War Is Noise - Sundowner

And for all I know more will jump on before all is said and done. But it's tough. It has to be a song that's fun to play and that the others can sing. Bah!

Alright, todays rant is about philosophy. How do you decide you're a philosopher? Just when you say/write stuff and enough people agree with you? I think nowadays you have to go through university to call yourself a philosopher too. Isn't that kind of stupid when the philosophers you study in university didn't go to university? Who decided what is required to become a philosopher and have "philosophical" ideas? Sounds like the invention of some elitist philosopher it does.

I mean, the other night I learned about a philosopher who wondered how we can ever be sure that people have the same tastes when eating the same foods. I've wondered the same thing about colour before. How do you know that we both see the same thing when we look at the colour red? I mean, obviously whatever colour we DO see we have been taught is red and we associate it the same way. However, it doesn't mean we see the same thing.

That's the same idea as the thought about tasting foods. And I had that idea when I was about 8. And yes, I realize a lot of people have that thought. So, just because that guy was born before me and got to put his ideas down on paper he's a genius philosopher and I'm just Mikey?
Not fair. I have lots of thoughts. How do I know which ones could make me famous? Should I just write a book of my thoughts and hope someone important reads it and decides a bunch of things I say are intriguing?

What if my book never gets published? Does that make it less valid?

Is this philosophical? I don't think so...Gee...I dunno...it seems like anything can pass for philosophy.

G'night Y'all!

Let's get Iggidy? Oh, it's sorta clever but...eh...I dunno...

Ew. Thanks to another blog, by Brendan Kelly, I found out something I never should have found out. I know know what an episiotomy is. Gross. Google it. Just not under images. I haven't but I imagine if I do I'll throw up.

Man, I don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

Ok, I'm dead tired so I'll slack tonight. Tomorrow I'll write up a big nice one.

G'night Y'all!

No, I didn't expect that at all. Hmph.

NP: Plane Vs Tank Vs Submarine - Tigers Jaw

You know that smell of stale, cheap knock-off playdo? Yeah. There's no rant here. I just wanted to ask you. It's a shitty smell. I smelled it today. I hate it.

Alright, let's cut to the chase.

The Menstrual cycle. Ew. Yes? Yes. Ew.

No, I don't actually have a rant prepared for that either. I'm sure I could but...I dunno...just wanted to say that...

Alright, so you know what pisses me off? People that do the most fucking retarded shit. This rant, by the way, is inspired by a story I saw on the news tonight. Some kid was street racing at something like 250 KM per hour. 250 KM an hour! That's insane! So, guess what. He's dead. Yeah, no shit right?And good riddance. That is absolutely suicidal and stupid.

No, I mean...that is REALLY retarded. When you speed down an ordinary street at 250 frickin' KM an hour you ARE going to die.

When you have sex without a condom, you have most likely fucked more than just that dirty tramp. You have also fucked yourself. And it would have been a lot expensive and life ruining had you just fucked yourself the safe way and masturbated. Like, what's the thinking there? Is it something like "Oh man, I don't have a condom. Whatever, we'll just do it without one. Pregnancy from sex is rare, right?". The scary thing is, it must be something close to that... And no, I don't care how drunk you are.

When you jump out of a plane, parachute or not, you deserve to die. Go look up bad accidents with parachute jumping on youtube. I haven't actually done this myself but I imagine there are a lot of videos there. If i had a cow for every time I've seen one on TV, I'd be able to start a really big farm.

When you kill someone, you're probably gonna go to jail and regret it. How many times do murderers actually get away with it anymore? And how many murderers, 15 years later when they're sitting in jail, go "yeah, it was worth it"?

When you forget to flush for too long, you WILL clog the toilet. This is less extreme but important nonetheless.

G'night Y'all!

She never told me she was a giraffe. No man, this blind date thing was a bad idea. I can't go out with a giraffe.

NP: Dressed To Fuck - The Killing Tree

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!

Have you seen that commercial where the dude lies to his wife (remember folks, women are scary beasts) about being sick so he doesn't have to go to the wedding? And everyone in the bard makes different sounds to make it seem like he's flicking through different channels. No? You haven't seen it? Well, I just ruined it for you but it's a good one. They don't make ads like that anymore. The way they used to.

Hurry up holidays. Every one of these remaining 8 (9? I dunno...sigh) days is a mystery. And I'm fucking scared of the mystery. Every day might bring me more homework or assignments. I don't want more work. I want to party it up with some mini oranges.

This is a short entry. I did that thing I do where I wrote for the past 15 minutes but deleted it all. It was a story about my conversations with God after I died. Meh. It didn't turn out as well as I wanted to.

That's it folks. Maybe something grand will happen tomorrow and I'll have a topic to write about it.

Now it's up to you! Go make something happen! The power is in your hands! Do something to impress me tomorrow (Mhm, I realize my audience here is small and it's late at night).

G'night Y'all!

I bet Big Bird never feels lonely

I'm so fricken' bored. BooooooooooOOOOOOooooooored! Boredom + no energy/motiviation/ + slight depression makes for a meh day. A very meh day. Bah, I give up.

Ok, remember when I said I would have something planned for this entry? I lied. I didn't come up with anything. OH MY GOD KILL ME. This is the worst writers block ever.

Entertained yet? What's that you say? Write an improv story? Fine. But I'm starting from the middle.

Jimmy picked up the sledgehammer. Desperate times called for desperate measures. He began swinging at the cats who scattered off in all directions. He was determined though. He would get every last one of them if it was the last thing he did. He said so out loud actually. And that's when he heard a response come from the shadows in the corner the warehouse.

"Oh, it will be", said Mr. Muffins as he revealed himself. "You've made a grave mistake".

With that Mr. Muffins, the giant speaking cat, took a swing at Jimmy and knocked him out cold. The other cats that had scattered began making their way back to the center of the warehouse to talk things over with their leader.

"Relax little ones," assured Mr. Muffins. "Have Jimmy tied up and attached to one of the explosive barrels. We will make his death slow before we back up and shoot the barrel from a secure location. We have no choice but to blow this place to the ground.

Mr. Muffins had completely forgot about Heraldo though. At that moment Heraldo appeared by the door armed with an AK-47 and surrounded by his gang.

"What the fucking fuck?!" screamed Heraldo. "Shoot!"

Bullets blazed through the warehouse as a couple gangmembers rushed in to save Jimmy. They needed him alive afterall. Sure, they would have to make Jimmy their own prisoner but first they would have to settle this current issue. The cats could not be allowed to carry on with their plan.

"The boy," whispered one of the gangmembers. "What do we do with him? This seems bizarre. We're going to save him just so we can double cross him in order to get to his grandmother?"

"QUIET!" shouted Heraldo as he continued firing rounds at the cats. They had the felines outnumbered and it wasn't long before the warehouse was covered in fur and kitty guts.

"Grab the boy, shove him in the van and let's get out of here!" Heraldo roared.

The gang drove for hours before turning onto a narrow dirt path and coming to a stop. They opened up the back door of the van. Jimmy was conscious.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked. "I brought the money, where's the drugs? And, again, what the hellis going on?!"

"Ha! We don't care about the money. We're after much more," explained Heraldo. "Bring us to your grandmother and we'll let you live. Otherwise, we'll rip every one of your limbs off and super glue them to various trees around the city."

"What do you want with my grandma?" asked Jimmy.

"You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into, do you?" Heraldo shot back.

To be continued (Never)

G'night Y'all!

This time it's personal

Bah, I didn't forget last night either. I even wrote half an entry but I got turfed off the computer.

Ugh. I have nothing to write about now too. Really. Nothing. The entry I was writing had something to do with a stupid headline that popped up in my face about one of the cast members from the Twilight movie trying to steal one of the Jonas brothers' girlfriends. I think that says more about my state than my annoyance with stupid shit that isn't news.

Lately I've had a list of man crushes and a list of sexy women that aren't sexy. Heh, I swear I AM hetero.

Hmmmm. This feels like an awkward conversation with...myself. You're supposed to come up with an idea before you start blogging, aren't you? Ok, I'll start trying to come up with ideas before my next one. I'll do another one tonight too to make up for all the missed entries.

But this one might not be so great.

Oh, so check out P.O.S. He's amazing. And that's coming from a guy who pretty much only listens to punk. Yeah, P.O.S. has some punk influence and background but still, I deserve points for listening to rap. His other stuff, Doomtree and Building Better Bombs aren't bad either. I specifically reccommend the songs "P.O.S. is ruining my life", "Kidney Thief", and Doomtree's "Drumsticks".

The song Kidney Thief is pretty cool. The beat, and some of the lyrics and song, are taken from the song "Out of Reach" by Baxter. Baxter was the dude from Rise Against's high school hardcore punk band. The drummer for The Lawrence Arms also drummed for Baxter. Anyways, it's pretty cool to hear a rap artist use a sample and do a bit of a cover of the song.

You can probably find all those songs on youtube if you're actually interested.

I wish we didn't have to go to the washroom. Instead of pissing and shitting I wish we could just fart more and release it all as gas. We would no longer have to waste time at the toilet. Would more farting mean more bad smell? No, because our underwear would include filters. You would be able to choose between different smells such as vanilla, strawberry delight and sunshine.

G'night Y'all!

Good Day for the Bad Cop with a Bad Day for the Good Cop

Oh, it sure is sweet to see our awful Prime Minister go down the way he is. He's toast. Bwahahahahaha. I could open a politics blog and fill it but I'd have an even harder time getting people to read it. Even my one loyal reader Nathan, who reminds me (in a less sexual way) of Mel, wouldn't pay attention.

And so there we go. It's tough to come up with ideas to write about when your blog is sorta based off of nothing. This thing is based off of finding a perfect balance. It's all about me and yet I don't like talking about me, generally. Heh, when I was younger I was so opposite.

And then it's gotta be sorta toilet humour but in a creative and witty way. Oh, did I mention I don't like to think of myself as funny? I don't think of myself is funny. Remember though, I don't like talking about myself. Shit, my head hurts.

There has to be a balance of respect and, well, hot sexy material. A balance of ranting and imagination.

There are no rules. Except for one. That there are rules.

And that one rule, or several rules that fall under the category of one, is that if I feel disappointed in myself I have to stop writing. Often I don't forget about this blog. I was going to write last night but I couldn't think of anything. The story has been the same lately. The world's doing better. I'm not.

Maybe I need to force myself into REALLY writing.

Going back to respect and sex, forget respect. Just for an entry. Maybe a few more entries in the future. But for now, just this entry. Forget it. Respect ends...NOW.

---------------------LINE OF RESPECT---------------------

We have crossed it. Ok, so we're going to come up with a list of "sexy" women that aren't actually sexy. First I have to address two problems with what I'm about to write. I'm sure I could come up with a lot more than two but...here they are:

1. I don't care about celebrities at all. I hate them. Generally. I don't even want to know their names. Unless they have done some kind of great deed for the world (and not gone out all "look at the great charity work I did"ish about it U2 or Green Day style) or they're ACTUALLY inspiring, I just don't care about them. Infact, I pretty much just dislike rich people. I'm not jealous, I just don't like greed. Ok, I'm rambling. Point is, I generally avoid celebrities like the plague but tonight I'm going to talk about them.

2. I don't think of myself as an attractive person. No part of me thinks I could actually get these women anyways. Nothing pisses me off more than two fat, balding, scruffy, dazed, obnoxious assholes judging women as if they have any chance. Again though, I'm gonna do this anyways.

Plus, just for you gurfriend, in case you're reading, I'm quite happy with my current status.

Let the list begin:

Pamela Anderson - I think 4/5 guys will agree with me anyways. Gross. There IS such thing as too big. And there is definitely such a thing as too fake. And there is most certainly such a thing as too many STD's. So, gross.

Shakira - Just go away. You bore me.

Mariah Carey - Ok, so, you have to choose. Okay? You can't have a lotta boobs AND a lotta ass. Alright? Just choose one. And stop looking so fake.

Lindsay Lohan - This is, pretty much, the most disappointing one. You screwed up Lindsay. You used to be hot. And then, I don't really know what happened but I recently saw a picture and you're not hot anymore. I'll assume it had something to do with surgery. One of you people who read/watch shit TV can let me know what happened. Or better yet, don't. Point is, how do you go so backwards? Like, if you look hot then just kinda...don't move. Just stay hot. A beautiful 4 foot high wedding cake should stay as is, not add another 2 feet on top and collapse.

Jennifer Garner - Not that I really found you hot in the first place but, and I suppose this makes you a good actress, but after watching Juno you just seem like a total bitch.

Kate Moss - I don't really actually know who Kate Moss is. I couldn't pick her out of a crowd or anything. I just know the name and want to say something about her 'cause...I dunno... I'm NOT giving you the benefit of the doubt Kate Moss. You make my un-sexy sexy list.

Tyra Banks - Alien.

Uma Thurman - Fucking stupid name. Plus, you just...uh...I don't know. You're just not hot.

Angelina Jolie - Yeah. Whatever. I don't care if you disagree. She makes me feel asexual. So there.

Beyonce - Yeah well. See Angelina Jolie I suppose. And, just putting this out there, she has no boobs. I always hear people mention her boobs. I think that's kind of like talking about the tall midgets. In some way. I don't know. I'm sure that somehow works.

Ok, I'm disturbed. I'm really not big on celebs or judging people like this so I'm gonna end it here. But hey, you gotta try new things, right?

There you go ladies. None of you would be able to get Mike B. Yeah, pfft, he's outta your league. Keep. On. Walkin'.

G'night Y'all!