Happy BJ Day Eve everyone!

BJ = Birthday Jesus

Yay, Friday is the first day of the WJC. Go Canada! And Saturday is Mats Sundin's first game as a Vancouver Canucks.

Yup, I think that's about all that's going on these days. I'll tell you what HASN'T been going on. Writing in this blog. I'm doing an awful job. I guess I should stop lying. Every day doesn't seem to work. Whatever, I just won't let this thing die at least.

So, today we're gonna talk about jokes that aren't funny.

-The obvious ones. Knock knock jokes, chicken, etc. etc. etc.

- Anything on a t-shirt. "I'm with stupid" was never funny and anything else printed on a shirt is not either. No, "tell your boobs to stop looking at my eyes" isn't funny.

Check out this site: Snorg Tees

Nothing there is funny. I mean, it might be funny. But it's not funny when someone wears it. This is because:

a) The person wearing it did not come up with the clever joke. They are only taking the credit. This makes them douchebags. This is also why Nathan's shirts are an exception.

b) You know that the person, whether you know them well and have seen it or not, will undoubtedly wear the shirt again. This is not cool. The joke will get old after the first time (again, I think Nathan's shirts are an exception) so this is really just dumb. It's a much better idea to take one of these pictures and make it your MSN DP for a day or something. Even then, it's stupid, but but at least you aren't repeating it over and over.

note: The picture on that site that says "I'll be Bach" with a picture of Bach half terminator IS actually pretty funny. You might be able to wear that one twice.

-Anything to do with hillbillies(1). Yeah. Nah, it's just not funny. Hillbillies are walking jokes themselves except their boring. So a joke about a hillbillies is kinda lame and still boring.

-Jokes about how awesome you are. No one will ever find this funny. Saying something like "cause I'm awesome", or whatever, is not entertaining. Now, this one is alright in that it doesn't make you look bad (unless you overuse it) so it sorta balances out. It's as if you never said anything.

-Jokes about Michael Jackson. And everyone thinks their MJ jokie is just fucking hilarious. Well, it isn't. It's REALLY easy to make a Michael Jackson joke. I mean, REEEEEEALLY easy. So none of them are funny.

-Internet videos that are TOO random. This is sort of personal preference. So, if you like this then whatever. But let me explain myself. This is sort of like Michael Jackson jokes too in that they're very easy to do. Oh, wow, you made a 5 min. video of stuff that just popped into your head. Ha ha ha ha FUCKING HA. There has to be some cleverness involved. It gets really boring just watching/hearing about absolutely "random" stuff. It put quotation marks around the word random because I'm questioning how it's used in this context too. It isn't random if you sit at your computer and try to think of bizarre things/whatever comes into your brain. Random has to happen...uh...RANDOMLY!

-Fart jokes. Yeah, I dunno. Farts can be funny if done at the right moment. But, even I, yes I, have mostly outgrown them. And jokes ABOUT them are not funny.

-Jokes about getting hit in the balls. This is never funny. Guys, we have all been struck. It's not so funny. No, it's really not. It feels like someone has compressed your stomache and then shoved it up your throat. It's awful. Women, you can not comprehend. Now, I won't be one of those dumbasses who says "we'll never know whether getting kicked in the balls or pregnancy hurts more". Obviously pregnancy hurts more. But you know what you get at the end of a pregnancy (which is more rare than a groin attack)? A baby. You know what you get at the end of a ball bashing? Nothing. No joke about getting hit in the sac is funny. And laughing at a joke like that makes you a douchebag as well.

-Jokes about how the Leafs suck. See "Michael Jackson" or "getting hit in the balls". Congrats, you managed to say that the Leafs suck. You are both uncreative and unfunny. Chances are you probably don't even pay attention to hockey. You just think you're funny. Well you aren't. Yes, the team sucks. And if you're an ACTUAL fan of the sport is CAN be funny. But jokes
themselves about the team sucking are not funny.

That's really all I'e got but I'm sure there's a ton more.

Have yourself a great BJ day everyone.

(1) Ashley.

G'night Y'all!

Where do I stand? I forget but I'll assume on the ground at least

NP: Green Means Go - The Color Wheels

You know what pisses me off? When people say dumb shit like "Well, it's times like this that I realize God is really working for me". So I guess God has favourites, eh? Jesus Christ, that's a stupid thing to say. Whatever, I won't get started. I guess I did. I won't continue.

Oh boy. What do we write about tonight? I finally figured out what song to do for Battle of the Bands. So we're now doing:

Your Ex-lover Is Dead - Stars
Prayer of the Refugee - Rise Against
Blue Jeans and White T-shirts - The Gaslight Anthem.

We're gonna be awesome too. So far the Stars one is sounding pretty good. I'm sure Prayer of the Refugee will. And if I can manage to not suck for Gaslight, that'll be pretty sweet too. Or, we'll just flop. No. We won't. And, pending, The BJs is a pretty awesome band name if I'm not mistaken.

Ok, another mini-rant. Have I done the one about Guns n' Roses? No? Ok, let's do this. So, people bitch and moan about how good music isn't made anymore. And then AC-DC and Guns n' Roses come out with new music. Good right? No. Those people just like to complain. These new albums sound just like their other stuff. Even Guns n' Roses which isn't the same band, right? Whatever. It's the same sort of distinct sound. But those people complain and complain anyways.

There is some great music out there being made these days. You just have to look for it.

So shut the fuck up people. I'm sorry that AC-DC didn't just write the SAME EXACT OVERPLAYED SONG. I'm sorry that Guns n' Roses didn't just make Welcome to the Jungle ver. 2.

This.

Entry.

Would.

Seem.

A.

Lot.

Longer.

If.

I.

Made.

Every.

Word.

It's.

Own.

Paragraph.

Now.

It.

Does.

G'night Y'all!

PB + J go together but P and BJ don't

NP: This One Goes Out To The Friends I Never Had - Catch-22

Holy shitcow it's been a while. A really long time. Every night I'd go "oh shit...blog...must write..." and then I'd fall asleep. And so, even though I'm dead tired right now too, I'm writing. Sorry...what is it, 3 or so faithful readers I'm up to now?

I'm just having the darndest time figuring out what song to choose for the battle of the bands. I'm kinda down to this right now:

Mercy Me - Alkaline Trio
Help Me - Alkaline Trio
Every Thug Needs A Lady - Alkaline Trio
Complete Control - The Clash
Gainesville - Dillinger Four
Brick Wall Views - The Lawrence Arms
100 Resolutions - The Lawrence Arms
Chapter 13: The Hero Appears - The Lawrence Arms
Are We There Yet Margaret? - The Lawrence Arms
Knowledge - Operation Ivy
Sound System - Operation Ivy
Unity - Operation Ivy
This War Is Noise - Sundowner

And for all I know more will jump on before all is said and done. But it's tough. It has to be a song that's fun to play and that the others can sing. Bah!

Alright, todays rant is about philosophy. How do you decide you're a philosopher? Just when you say/write stuff and enough people agree with you? I think nowadays you have to go through university to call yourself a philosopher too. Isn't that kind of stupid when the philosophers you study in university didn't go to university? Who decided what is required to become a philosopher and have "philosophical" ideas? Sounds like the invention of some elitist philosopher it does.

I mean, the other night I learned about a philosopher who wondered how we can ever be sure that people have the same tastes when eating the same foods. I've wondered the same thing about colour before. How do you know that we both see the same thing when we look at the colour red? I mean, obviously whatever colour we DO see we have been taught is red and we associate it the same way. However, it doesn't mean we see the same thing.

That's the same idea as the thought about tasting foods. And I had that idea when I was about 8. And yes, I realize a lot of people have that thought. So, just because that guy was born before me and got to put his ideas down on paper he's a genius philosopher and I'm just Mikey?
Not fair. I have lots of thoughts. How do I know which ones could make me famous? Should I just write a book of my thoughts and hope someone important reads it and decides a bunch of things I say are intriguing?

What if my book never gets published? Does that make it less valid?

Is this philosophical? I don't think so...Gee...I dunno...it seems like anything can pass for philosophy.

G'night Y'all!

Let's get Iggidy? Oh, it's sorta clever but...eh...I dunno...

Ew. Thanks to another blog, by Brendan Kelly, I found out something I never should have found out. I know know what an episiotomy is. Gross. Google it. Just not under images. I haven't but I imagine if I do I'll throw up.

Man, I don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

Ok, I'm dead tired so I'll slack tonight. Tomorrow I'll write up a big nice one.

G'night Y'all!

No, I didn't expect that at all. Hmph.

NP: Plane Vs Tank Vs Submarine - Tigers Jaw

You know that smell of stale, cheap knock-off playdo? Yeah. There's no rant here. I just wanted to ask you. It's a shitty smell. I smelled it today. I hate it.

Alright, let's cut to the chase.

The Menstrual cycle. Ew. Yes? Yes. Ew.

No, I don't actually have a rant prepared for that either. I'm sure I could but...I dunno...just wanted to say that...

Alright, so you know what pisses me off? People that do the most fucking retarded shit. This rant, by the way, is inspired by a story I saw on the news tonight. Some kid was street racing at something like 250 KM per hour. 250 KM an hour! That's insane! So, guess what. He's dead. Yeah, no shit right?And good riddance. That is absolutely suicidal and stupid.

No, I mean...that is REALLY retarded. When you speed down an ordinary street at 250 frickin' KM an hour you ARE going to die.

When you have sex without a condom, you have most likely fucked more than just that dirty tramp. You have also fucked yourself. And it would have been a lot expensive and life ruining had you just fucked yourself the safe way and masturbated. Like, what's the thinking there? Is it something like "Oh man, I don't have a condom. Whatever, we'll just do it without one. Pregnancy from sex is rare, right?". The scary thing is, it must be something close to that... And no, I don't care how drunk you are.

When you jump out of a plane, parachute or not, you deserve to die. Go look up bad accidents with parachute jumping on youtube. I haven't actually done this myself but I imagine there are a lot of videos there. If i had a cow for every time I've seen one on TV, I'd be able to start a really big farm.

When you kill someone, you're probably gonna go to jail and regret it. How many times do murderers actually get away with it anymore? And how many murderers, 15 years later when they're sitting in jail, go "yeah, it was worth it"?

When you forget to flush for too long, you WILL clog the toilet. This is less extreme but important nonetheless.

G'night Y'all!

She never told me she was a giraffe. No man, this blind date thing was a bad idea. I can't go out with a giraffe.

NP: Dressed To Fuck - The Killing Tree

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!

Have you seen that commercial where the dude lies to his wife (remember folks, women are scary beasts) about being sick so he doesn't have to go to the wedding? And everyone in the bard makes different sounds to make it seem like he's flicking through different channels. No? You haven't seen it? Well, I just ruined it for you but it's a good one. They don't make ads like that anymore. The way they used to.

Hurry up holidays. Every one of these remaining 8 (9? I dunno...sigh) days is a mystery. And I'm fucking scared of the mystery. Every day might bring me more homework or assignments. I don't want more work. I want to party it up with some mini oranges.

This is a short entry. I did that thing I do where I wrote for the past 15 minutes but deleted it all. It was a story about my conversations with God after I died. Meh. It didn't turn out as well as I wanted to.

That's it folks. Maybe something grand will happen tomorrow and I'll have a topic to write about it.

Now it's up to you! Go make something happen! The power is in your hands! Do something to impress me tomorrow (Mhm, I realize my audience here is small and it's late at night).

G'night Y'all!

I bet Big Bird never feels lonely

I'm so fricken' bored. BooooooooooOOOOOOooooooored! Boredom + no energy/motiviation/ + slight depression makes for a meh day. A very meh day. Bah, I give up.

Ok, remember when I said I would have something planned for this entry? I lied. I didn't come up with anything. OH MY GOD KILL ME. This is the worst writers block ever.

Entertained yet? What's that you say? Write an improv story? Fine. But I'm starting from the middle.

Jimmy picked up the sledgehammer. Desperate times called for desperate measures. He began swinging at the cats who scattered off in all directions. He was determined though. He would get every last one of them if it was the last thing he did. He said so out loud actually. And that's when he heard a response come from the shadows in the corner the warehouse.

"Oh, it will be", said Mr. Muffins as he revealed himself. "You've made a grave mistake".

With that Mr. Muffins, the giant speaking cat, took a swing at Jimmy and knocked him out cold. The other cats that had scattered began making their way back to the center of the warehouse to talk things over with their leader.

"Relax little ones," assured Mr. Muffins. "Have Jimmy tied up and attached to one of the explosive barrels. We will make his death slow before we back up and shoot the barrel from a secure location. We have no choice but to blow this place to the ground.

Mr. Muffins had completely forgot about Heraldo though. At that moment Heraldo appeared by the door armed with an AK-47 and surrounded by his gang.

"What the fucking fuck?!" screamed Heraldo. "Shoot!"

Bullets blazed through the warehouse as a couple gangmembers rushed in to save Jimmy. They needed him alive afterall. Sure, they would have to make Jimmy their own prisoner but first they would have to settle this current issue. The cats could not be allowed to carry on with their plan.

"The boy," whispered one of the gangmembers. "What do we do with him? This seems bizarre. We're going to save him just so we can double cross him in order to get to his grandmother?"

"QUIET!" shouted Heraldo as he continued firing rounds at the cats. They had the felines outnumbered and it wasn't long before the warehouse was covered in fur and kitty guts.

"Grab the boy, shove him in the van and let's get out of here!" Heraldo roared.

The gang drove for hours before turning onto a narrow dirt path and coming to a stop. They opened up the back door of the van. Jimmy was conscious.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked. "I brought the money, where's the drugs? And, again, what the hellis going on?!"

"Ha! We don't care about the money. We're after much more," explained Heraldo. "Bring us to your grandmother and we'll let you live. Otherwise, we'll rip every one of your limbs off and super glue them to various trees around the city."

"What do you want with my grandma?" asked Jimmy.

"You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into, do you?" Heraldo shot back.

To be continued (Never)

G'night Y'all!

This time it's personal

Bah, I didn't forget last night either. I even wrote half an entry but I got turfed off the computer.

Ugh. I have nothing to write about now too. Really. Nothing. The entry I was writing had something to do with a stupid headline that popped up in my face about one of the cast members from the Twilight movie trying to steal one of the Jonas brothers' girlfriends. I think that says more about my state than my annoyance with stupid shit that isn't news.

Lately I've had a list of man crushes and a list of sexy women that aren't sexy. Heh, I swear I AM hetero.

Hmmmm. This feels like an awkward conversation with...myself. You're supposed to come up with an idea before you start blogging, aren't you? Ok, I'll start trying to come up with ideas before my next one. I'll do another one tonight too to make up for all the missed entries.

But this one might not be so great.

Oh, so check out P.O.S. He's amazing. And that's coming from a guy who pretty much only listens to punk. Yeah, P.O.S. has some punk influence and background but still, I deserve points for listening to rap. His other stuff, Doomtree and Building Better Bombs aren't bad either. I specifically reccommend the songs "P.O.S. is ruining my life", "Kidney Thief", and Doomtree's "Drumsticks".

The song Kidney Thief is pretty cool. The beat, and some of the lyrics and song, are taken from the song "Out of Reach" by Baxter. Baxter was the dude from Rise Against's high school hardcore punk band. The drummer for The Lawrence Arms also drummed for Baxter. Anyways, it's pretty cool to hear a rap artist use a sample and do a bit of a cover of the song.

You can probably find all those songs on youtube if you're actually interested.

I wish we didn't have to go to the washroom. Instead of pissing and shitting I wish we could just fart more and release it all as gas. We would no longer have to waste time at the toilet. Would more farting mean more bad smell? No, because our underwear would include filters. You would be able to choose between different smells such as vanilla, strawberry delight and sunshine.

G'night Y'all!

Good Day for the Bad Cop with a Bad Day for the Good Cop

Oh, it sure is sweet to see our awful Prime Minister go down the way he is. He's toast. Bwahahahahaha. I could open a politics blog and fill it but I'd have an even harder time getting people to read it. Even my one loyal reader Nathan, who reminds me (in a less sexual way) of Mel, wouldn't pay attention.

And so there we go. It's tough to come up with ideas to write about when your blog is sorta based off of nothing. This thing is based off of finding a perfect balance. It's all about me and yet I don't like talking about me, generally. Heh, when I was younger I was so opposite.

And then it's gotta be sorta toilet humour but in a creative and witty way. Oh, did I mention I don't like to think of myself as funny? I don't think of myself is funny. Remember though, I don't like talking about myself. Shit, my head hurts.

There has to be a balance of respect and, well, hot sexy material. A balance of ranting and imagination.

There are no rules. Except for one. That there are rules.

And that one rule, or several rules that fall under the category of one, is that if I feel disappointed in myself I have to stop writing. Often I don't forget about this blog. I was going to write last night but I couldn't think of anything. The story has been the same lately. The world's doing better. I'm not.

Maybe I need to force myself into REALLY writing.

Going back to respect and sex, forget respect. Just for an entry. Maybe a few more entries in the future. But for now, just this entry. Forget it. Respect ends...NOW.

---------------------LINE OF RESPECT---------------------

We have crossed it. Ok, so we're going to come up with a list of "sexy" women that aren't actually sexy. First I have to address two problems with what I'm about to write. I'm sure I could come up with a lot more than two but...here they are:

1. I don't care about celebrities at all. I hate them. Generally. I don't even want to know their names. Unless they have done some kind of great deed for the world (and not gone out all "look at the great charity work I did"ish about it U2 or Green Day style) or they're ACTUALLY inspiring, I just don't care about them. Infact, I pretty much just dislike rich people. I'm not jealous, I just don't like greed. Ok, I'm rambling. Point is, I generally avoid celebrities like the plague but tonight I'm going to talk about them.

2. I don't think of myself as an attractive person. No part of me thinks I could actually get these women anyways. Nothing pisses me off more than two fat, balding, scruffy, dazed, obnoxious assholes judging women as if they have any chance. Again though, I'm gonna do this anyways.

Plus, just for you gurfriend, in case you're reading, I'm quite happy with my current status.

Let the list begin:

Pamela Anderson - I think 4/5 guys will agree with me anyways. Gross. There IS such thing as too big. And there is definitely such a thing as too fake. And there is most certainly such a thing as too many STD's. So, gross.

Shakira - Just go away. You bore me.

Mariah Carey - Ok, so, you have to choose. Okay? You can't have a lotta boobs AND a lotta ass. Alright? Just choose one. And stop looking so fake.

Lindsay Lohan - This is, pretty much, the most disappointing one. You screwed up Lindsay. You used to be hot. And then, I don't really know what happened but I recently saw a picture and you're not hot anymore. I'll assume it had something to do with surgery. One of you people who read/watch shit TV can let me know what happened. Or better yet, don't. Point is, how do you go so backwards? Like, if you look hot then just kinda...don't move. Just stay hot. A beautiful 4 foot high wedding cake should stay as is, not add another 2 feet on top and collapse.

Jennifer Garner - Not that I really found you hot in the first place but, and I suppose this makes you a good actress, but after watching Juno you just seem like a total bitch.

Kate Moss - I don't really actually know who Kate Moss is. I couldn't pick her out of a crowd or anything. I just know the name and want to say something about her 'cause...I dunno... I'm NOT giving you the benefit of the doubt Kate Moss. You make my un-sexy sexy list.

Tyra Banks - Alien.

Uma Thurman - Fucking stupid name. Plus, you just...uh...I don't know. You're just not hot.

Angelina Jolie - Yeah. Whatever. I don't care if you disagree. She makes me feel asexual. So there.

Beyonce - Yeah well. See Angelina Jolie I suppose. And, just putting this out there, she has no boobs. I always hear people mention her boobs. I think that's kind of like talking about the tall midgets. In some way. I don't know. I'm sure that somehow works.

Ok, I'm disturbed. I'm really not big on celebs or judging people like this so I'm gonna end it here. But hey, you gotta try new things, right?

There you go ladies. None of you would be able to get Mike B. Yeah, pfft, he's outta your league. Keep. On. Walkin'.

G'night Y'all!

We Have Ourselves A Hockey Game

I'm tired. Not physically. Mentally. Ugh. Today sucked. The day before the sucked. The day before that sucked. Etc.

I'm never drinking two cups of coffee again either. If I weren't frustrated enough, I've finally learned my lesson. Too much coffee makes me feel anxious and uneasy.

Dogs suck. Ok? They just do. I don't care what you say. They are awful and overrated. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. *Bark*. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

And they jump at you. And they get all "OMG!"ish around you if they don't know you. And they're stupid but everyone treats them like they're so smart. I mean, some are. You know, the ones that sniff out illegal drugs and rescue people in avalanches. Those ones are pretty sweet, I'll admit it. But your dog that shakes your hand or plays fetch. That's not cool. That dog is just demoralizing itself for either:

a) A treat.
b) Anything that resembles fun because its life sucks.

Now, I have four cats. Perhaps that makes me dumber than a dog. I mean, cats are WITHOUT A FUCKING DOUBT, in general, better than dogs but four? That's ridiculously dumb.

However, it's better than having a stupid dog. Cats don't learn tricks because they're smart enough to ask themselves, "why should I". That's pretty intelligent if you ask me.

At the same time, my cats will play fetch but if we play fetch it's when they want to play, if they want to play. And there's a certain amount of "meet me half way" attitude that the cat has when playing. Part of that is definitely laziness but it's also intelligent (intelligent in the same way people are intelligent so take from that what you will).

There are days when I wake up and think "fuck off cat". So I'm not trying to make it sound like we should all start worshiping cats. In fact, I have this one cat that's a total bitch. I'm so tempted to take it to the vet and "pretend" I don't know what putting an animal to sleep means. Ah, I can't do that.

Still, there isn't a single day where I'm not happy that my cats will go poop all by themselves.

Awful rant. I give myself a 2/10. That was so forced.

G'night Y'all!

P.S. Would a drug-sniffing dog not be a heroine addicts best investment ever?

Nope

Ok, so I think I've written about 5 entries worth of stuff tonight. It's just not happening. I keep deleting everything I write. It sucks. So, here it is. This is my entry for tonight.

G'night Y'all!

Like...man...did you ever think that maybe we're all just part of...like...one particle on someone elses hand?

Ok, so I read/heard a funny "and that's how the fight started" joke today. Here's how it went:

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'...and that's how the fight started.....

I'm not sure if it's actually funny or if I'm just "soooo stressed".

Yeah, life sucks. I'm stressed and miserable. *cut* There are so many things to hate right now. First of all, everyone's retarded. I could go on and explain this one a bit more but it might take forever. Everyone's selfish, jealous and inconsiderate.

Our Prime Minister is fucking evil. Today he's trying to...well I'd say he's trying to become the fucking dictator of our true north strong and free country. Yeah, just bankrupt all the political parties but your own so no one can challenge you on everything. BAM! Suddenly everyone's paying for health care, we're off to fight some random war, you get hanged for smoking marijuana, homeless people are burned alive, women who want an abortion get another baby stuffed up just for even daring to ask, gay people are sent to space and released on the moon to have their blood pressure explode and their eyes pop out of their heads and...you get the picture.

Sad thing is, I'm not even sure if I'm exaggerating. Scary stuff (See earlier entry "Fuck").

Alright, let's sort of change topics.

You can't NOT be yourself. Ok? That's impossible. Suppose we play along. What does it mean to not be yourself? To be fake I suppose? Well guess what. If you're fake that says something about the real you. It's a part of who you are. Thus, it's IMPOSSIBLE to not be yourself. Next time you hear Dora the Explorer or someone telling kids to be themselves, kick them in the groin. Twice for the girls. It's only fair.

Yeah, alright. Tomorrow's entry will be happier.

G'night Y'all!

Snow, eh?

I was laying in bed last night (only till' like, 3 in the fucking morning) and I totally had a great idea for tonight's entry. And so here we go...

Oh! Right! Damnit! I forgot! I forgot my great idea!

Ugh.

So, now I've been thinking it would be so great if I learned about something COMPLETELY new. Like, sex new. Remember when you first figured out what sex is? You were probably like "Holy shit. No. No. No. That's...just...no. No. No way. Well, first of all that doesn't make any...well no it actually makes a lot of sense I guess. This changes everything".

I want another moment like that. I dunno, like maybe when you turn 40 in order to keep living you have to lick a chimp's nipples. And for whatever reason adults just haven't told us yet because they're embarrassed or something.

That's not a good example. And I'll never come up with a good enough example because what I'm talking about would be such a revolutionary bit of news to me that my current imagination couldn't possibly think of something that would match this new finding.

This blog thing is kicking my ass tonight. So is life in general. Thanks God/Jesus/Santa. You've been falling asleep at the wheel the past few months. So get your shit together, would ya?

I'm starting to remember something I was thinking about as I fell asleep. And I remember I immediately decided not to write about it in this blog. Well, I forgot about what I actually wanted to write about so I'll just write about this lesser idea anyways. And then I'll tell you why I didn't want to write about it.

I was thinking I have a lot more poetic thoughts than I'm able to express. I'm just generally not good at expressing them. And that frustrates me.

And then I stopped myself. Why? 'Cause it makes me sound so full of myself. "I'm so deep". Blah.

I'll just stop myself altogether and end this entry. I'm in a writing mood but it's not coming out. I'll try to write every day while I'm away this weekend so that when I get back I'll have a bunch of entries to post one after another.

G'night Y'all!

It's turning out all the same

I've decided I'm going to attempt to write in this thing every day. Like, fo' real. I don't know what will keep me doing it cause' I'm not going to do anything Dobbyish to myself but... I'll just try. Except for this weekend because I'll be away. Woohoo!

What's planned for tonight? Man crushes. Guys, we all have them. It's definitely not a homosexual thing. And if it was I'd be totally out about it. No, it's very heterosexual. Nothing sexual, except for the hetero part. Mhm.

Anyways, so yeah, we all have them. And you ladies out there have your lady crushes too, you know you do. You guys (and by guys I mean just girls, and heterosexual girls too because we're talking about heterosexual lady crushes. Lesbians have lady crushes too but they aren't heterosexual lady crushes.) are all into Regina Spektor or something. I think. I'm not sure. Actually, I'd love to know what famous women women like. Oprah? Nah. I don't think that fits.

Right, so back to MY man crushes. These are people who basically make my heart feel all warm and fuzzy. They get my blood flowing but not to my penis. Here we go:

1) Chris McCaughan - Yeah. He's awesome. For those of you who don't know who he is (which is most likely all of you...if anyone even reads this...which would make it even more likely that it is all of you who do not know who he is. That made sense. Just read it again. Except you don't exist so how do you read it again? Fuck.) he is the guitarist for The Lawrence Arms (Mah favourite band) and he also has his acoustic solo side project Sundowner (which I recommend to everyone).

Why do I like him? He writes beautiful music and he's very poetic. Aw, dreamy. His music is basically about nothing and drinking and stuff. I dunno, it sounds lame but I've always really loved his lyrics. He's good looking too, so there's that. Haha.

2) Mats Sundin - I'm putting this as #2 so there's someone you [no ones] will recognize. His stock in my heart (oh, that makes sense I think but it doesn't read well. Whatever, I'm leaving it) fell a little. He didn't waive his NTC to go to another team which basically set the Leafs back at least a year or two in their rebuilding. Alright, I'll shut up about hockey. Anyways, he's just a guy you have to like if you're a hockey fan. There's probably a few other hockey players I could list in this entry. I'll just try to place them under this section - Martin Brodeur, Jarome Iginla, Saku Koivu, etc. etc. etc.

3) Jeff Marek - He used to host Leafs on Am 640. Now he hosts CBC's HNIC radio show. That show is on Siruis radio so I can't listen to him anymore. It's been a couple years since I've heard his voice. He has inspired me to become a radio host though. This one is probably less of a man crush and more of an inspiration. Whatever.

4) Brian Fallon - Guitarist and vocals for The Gaslight Anthem. If you haven't heard this band yet, DO CHECK THEM OUT RIGHT THE FUCKING NOW. Yeah. I've been saying for a while now that this band can only go so underrated for so long. They're amazing. I had the pleasure (again, heterosexual so not physical pleasure) of seeing The Gaslight Anthem a few weeks ago. It sent shivers down my spine. Go to their myspace or something. Just make sure you listen to them and give them a real chance. Anyways, this guy writes good music with good vocals and he's good looking so he has made it on my list.

5) Tomas Kalnoky - Another musician. I'm sure everyone's heard Streetlight Manifesto so you guys know who he is. He writes really good music (duh or he wouldn't be on the list right?). I especially like hearing him play acoustically. I heard a 45-minute interview with him recently. He's an interesting guy.

6) Brenden Kelly - Another freakin' musician. Ok, so music plays a big part in my life. This guy probably borders on douchebag. He splits the vocals with Chris McCaughan in The Lawrence Arms (they each write and sing their own songs). His music isn't so much as beautiful as fun to listen to. What really gets me with Brenden though is his blog. It's called Bad Sandwich Chronicles. It's funny. Really funny. And it's become a bit of a daily thing for me now. When I get home from school the first thing I do is check out his newest entry. It's great comedy.

7) Brad Pitt - Pfft. Yeah, not actually.

8) Andy Frost - He's the Leafs P.A. announcer at the ACC. He's actually a little frustrating to listen to when he does the post-game talks on AM 640. But his voice is godly. So, I have a man crush on his voice.

BAM! I can't think of any. Infact, I was sorta pushing it with Andy Frost. I even wrote a bit about Darren Dregger but deleted it. His hockey reporting makes me happy but not to the point where it can be considered a man crush. Plus, like, he's soooooo old.

Yeah, I think this entry has run it's course.

G'night Y'all!

P.S. Holy shit I almost forgot about Bret McKenzie. God, I love Flight of The Conchords so much.

G'night Y'all!

Santa Claus is actually grown-up Jesus

And that'll be the subject of tonight's entry kids. It's been a while.

So, Jesus. Carpenters make a lot of money. It's true. However, there comes a time (I guess) when a person wants to mix it up a lil' and get a career change. For Jesus this change came roughly 2000 years after he started his career as a carpenter.

Now, first he took a break. He went through some emotional turmoil and thought it would be best to enjoy retired life. He basically laid low and spent time with pops. This was nice, for a while, but eventually he decided he wanted to get back into the workforce.

Times had changed though. People were going crazy for celebrities. There was a time when Jesus could walk down the streets only to be bothered by several "hi"s and "hello"s but things were different. Sensing this change, Jesus decided that his next career was going to have to be a bit disguised.

He sat down at his desk with some markers and a notepad similar to that scene in Spider-man where Peter Parker is trying to design his costume. Some fashion-historians criticize Jesus's taste but this is what he came up with:

He adopted the alias 'Santa Claus' and set up business in the North Pole. Jesus gathered many of his midget friends from Heaven and called them 'elves'.

Jesus's business was built upon the trading of gifts for cookies. He wanted to share his magnificent toys (often made by big-name toy companies such as Hasbro) with the world but he wasn't about to just give em' away. No. The man knows what he wants. It was said that Jesus even spoke of his craving for cookies as he died on the cross.

The Lord's carpenter skills actually came in quite handy in his second career as he taught his midget friends how to make really awesome stuff.

Finally, Jesus took out a loan and bought himself several reindeer. He combined them with his graduation gift from his father, a sleigh, and used the reindeer to deliver the gifts.

Obsessed with the idea of judging people on whether they've been good or bad, Jesus created a list to decide whether kids were being naughty or nice. He thought of this as a preview of the judgment the children would experience at the golden gates after they died. Jesus used his ability to watch everyone at once, yes even while they went #2, in order to keep his list up to date.

And there you have it. The story of Santa.

G'night Y'all!

The second apple is never as good as the first one...

You'd think when life sucks that stuff like a blog would be easy to write. Nope. And the reason it isn't is because the things that piss you off to the point where you feel like the past few months have been some of the worst of your life are personal and you don't want to publish them to the internet. Plus, when you're in an overall happy mood creative ideas come quicker.

Oh, I think I could turn this into some sort of deepish but lame entry about the purpose of life but fuck it, I can't do that... This blog is better than that.

So what's the middle ground here? It can't be all boring but there's not enough in me to come up with something terribly creative.

Maybe I just end the entry there.

G'night Y'all!

Fuck the world.

Fuck.

G'night Y'all!

Cleaning up after cats brings me back to the good ol' kindergarten days of playing in the sandbox

At some point, maybe a year ago, I figured everything out. Everything. And I was frustrated, but I got it all.

Turns out, no. I don't. I don't know much at all. And I'm very confused, only more frustrated.

Anyways, these blog things are hard to write. I want to do an angry rant. I'm sure I have ammo somewhere in my cranium but it's hiding at the moment. I'll just go with a thoughts that pop into my head.

- My cat Boo is a total bitch. She attacks me when I pet her. Recently she wrecked my "about cannabis" pamphlet. I love that pamphlet. Anyways, I just don't like this cat. I've tried. Somewhere deep down I love her, but I don't like her.

-My "about cannabis" pamphlet is great. It's such propaganda. It talks about the dangers of "the munchies". It also shows a picture of this big car crash resulting in death. The driver, who caused the crash, is obviously high. So high in fact, that he cannot find the energy to even come out of his dopey state and realize he just crashed. Instead, he continues to stare forward with glazed eyes while his smashed car lays motionless. The interesting part is that the other driver is also smoking. And drinking. All them potheads all over the place smashing into each other. Wreckless creatures.

Then there's the picture of the marijuana leaf with handcuffs chasing the kid who's still enhaling a toke as he runs away.

A lady holding a plate with 6 cheesburges.

A kid so desperate for water that he's literally crawling on the floor towards a puddle of water under a tree.

A stern, disappointed judge.

Those are just the pictures. The text is funny too. Whatever, time to move on.

-If you call things gay, it is homophobic. Therefore, you are homophobic. That's not debatable. Saying "you don't mean it that way" is not a good response. You are equating gays to the word "stupid" (if you meant stupid when called whatever it is you were talking about gay). There's a reason you can't say something is so jewish. You may not care about this point, and I know it's an old argument and no one seems to really care. But hey, this is a "thoughts that pop into my head" entry, so I'm putting this out there anyways. It's time we got over this. We're better than that.

-Elizabeth May is fucking awesome. She also looks like a beaver which is pretty damn Canadian if you ask me. Who better to lead Canada than a beaver?

-Beavers don't actually exist. Ever seen one? Neither have I. That's right folks. Our nickels feature an imaginary character.

Oh, you've seen one at the zoo? No you haven't. You saw a robot. There are wheels underneath and it's on a hidden track.

Saw one on TV? Don't believe everything you see on TV, not even the discovery channel (those pricks can say whatever the fuck they want because who's gonna correct them? I sure as hell can't say the scientist dude on mythbusters just BS'd because who's going to believe me?). Same goes with the internet. Except for wikipedia.

-Wikipedia is great. You can spend hours upon hours learning new things. And it's all true. Unless they're talking about beavers. Then it's all lies.

Just for kicks though, here's the wikipedia entry for beavers: LINK

What a load of shit. Look at the picture. It even looks fake. 'Cause it is.

-Canadian Geese should be renamed. They fly around. Land. Shit. Shit. Shit. Eat. Shit. Fly around some more. Rinse. Repeat. Fly down south.

And when they fly down south, they carry our name with it. They are a disgrace to Canada. They should be renamed after a shit country. All in favour of renaming them the North Korean Geese say "aye".

-I'm so very tired. I should go to bed soon.

-While my cat Boo is a bitch, Spike is pretty much my best friend. He's the nicest cat ever. Tonight I was feeling super depressed so the moment I started feeling really upset, he walked over to me and cuddled up against my chest, purred, and nuzzled his face into mine. Awwww cute. Cats just know man. Cats just know.

-School work should stay at school. Home is for TV, video games and masturbation.

And blogging.

-I saw some cartoon, I think it's called Cyanide and something. Nathan will correct me. Anyways, it made some joke about how cartoon Osama Bin Laden looks like Jesus. I giggled.

-I swear I have more intelligent thoughts than I'm showing right now.

-Sleep time. Goodnight.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the "about cannabis" picture of the angry marijuana smoke. I'm not even sure what that one's supposed to mean. Even the smoke is disappointed in me? Fuck him, judgmental asshole. He's trying to give people cancer.

G'night y'all!

Oh, ah, oh...woah

Looking back a this entry (which WAS long), fuck it. I don't like this entry. There's no room for this shit on Why, A Toast To You Fine Sir.

Instead I bring you a picture:

http://www.funnypicturefunnyphoto.com/funny-picture-photo-child-toilet-massdistraction-pic.jpg

Oh, right, this thing

I'm dead tired but not ready to give up on the day just yet. I was sitting here, listening to Endless Miles by Sundowner, and wondering what to do. I almost gave in and got ready for bed when I remembered this blog. Ah, thank god I didn't make the horrible mistake of getting some shut eye.

Problem is, as usual, I have nothing to talk about. Life is pretty shit at the moment. I need a job, there's more work than [insert creative line here] and I'm just overall feeling very stressed.

I've been writing this entry for a while now and I'm not very far in. I keep writing for a while and then deleting everything because it's not turning out so well.

Alright, I've got an idea. Whenever I don't have any ideas for entries, I'll come up with a list.

So what shall today's list be about? Hmmmmmmm...well I'm still listening to Sundowner and really enjoying it so, I'm going to go with music. I'll make a list of some of my favourite bands that I recommend checking out.

1. Sundowner - Acoustic punk

So this is actually just one guy I'm talking about. His name is Chris McCaughan and he plays in a couple bands I like, one of which I'll mention a bit later. If you're not into punk, you might still like him. I find he's a really good poet and he's just good at writing songs. Personally I like his voice although I guess some other people might not like it so much. Give it a listen if you're in the mood for some soft(ish) acoustic with, what I think are, pretty good lyrics.

Song: This War Is Noise

2. Alkaline Trio - Rock/Punk

I don't think Alkaline Trio sounds terribly punk myself, but others do I guess. Whatever, punk is such a vague genre. Anyways, Alkaline Trio...how do I describe them? They've got two singers, one of which plays in another band I'll probably end up mentioning (a fair amount of my favourite bands share band members). I guess you could call their lyrics poetic.

Song: Mercy Me
Song: Love Love, Kiss Kiss

3. The Lawrence Arms - Punk

The Lawrence Arms are probably my favourite band. They aren't all that talented, but they're just fucking great. Chris McCaughan, from Sundowner, is the guitarist and does about half the vocals for the Lawrence Arms. The other vocalist, and bassist, is Brendan Kelly. The two of them sort of split the song writing duties and each have their own style. Chris's songs are a bit more poetic than Brendan's but both are very good in my opinion. I'll recommend a song by both.

Song - Chris: Faintly Falling Ashes
Song - Brendan: The Devil's Takin' Names

4. The Falcon - Punk

This band is connected to both the Lawrence Arms and Alkaline Trio. It's also kinda connected to Rise Against (They're all Chicago punk bands). They guitarist for the Falcon is Brendan Kelly, the bassisst for the Lawrence Arms. The drummer also plays in the Lawrence Arms. The bassist is Alkaline Trio's bassist. Their other guitarist used to be a guy who played in Rise Against, but he quit. I don't know who they have now. Anyways, they're similar to the Lawrence Arms obviously, so if you like them you'll like The Falcon. All the songs are sung by Brendan though. You might consider that a good thing or a bad thing.

Song: Unicorn Odyssey

5. The Flatliners - Punk/Reggae

I don't have a ton to say about the Flatliners. Are think they're pretty good, obviously. They're from the area, so yay for localish bands. Anyways, give em' a listen. They'll grow on you.

Song: Fred's Got Slacks

6. Flight of the the Conchords - Comedy

This isn't for everyone. Flight of the Conchords is two guys from New Zealand who have their own TV show but it's on HBO. They're freakin' hilarious in my opinion. I didn't like them at first but I grew to love them. They do a good job of doing all different genres. So keep an open mind and maybe try a few of their videos. They've got a TON on youtube from their TV show.

Song: Think About It

7. The Gaslight Anthem - Soul/Punk/Blues

I guarantee you this band's going to get a lot bigger one day. They're pretty new, I think they've only been around a couple years. They have a really good singer and some great music. My only complaint is that a lot of their songs REALLY sound the same, but at least it all sounds good.

Song: The 59' Sound

I was going to do more bands, but it's coming up to 2 a.m. so it might finally be time to say goodbye to Tuesday. Perhaps I'll add to the list another day.

G'night Y'all!

Goodbye City

Off I go this weekend to my aunt and uncle's cottage. Bringing the girlfriend. Should be nice. Yup, last weekend to soak up the freedom. When I get back there will be school, jub hunting, regular stuff...bleh.

I'm trying to think positively about this year but it's damn hard. I love my schedule and my subjects, it's an awesome feeling to think that it's my last year of high school (although, yeah, scary too) but...

But I know it'll turn out crap. Mhm. Cause' that how stuff works. I don't mean that in an overly depressing way. Hmmmmmm...how do I say this right? I'm sure I'll be regular happy me, but there's always depressing shit. Make any sense whatsoever?

Basically at the beginning of the year it's always easy to say "Oh, this year won't be bad. I'll just enjoy my classes and I'll get to hang out with friends" and then by the time Christmas has come you're banging your head on the desk and crying silently.

Summer is much of the same. You always plan to do "meaningful stuff" during the summer and "hang out lots with friends".  And that always turns out to be a letdown.

I do think I had a more meaningful summer than usual. I re-thought things in my life and decided on things I wanted to do differently.

And so I'm joining the circus.

No, that's just the thought that came through my head a second ago. It wasn't even a funny thought, but I typed it out anyways.

And so anyways, circle of life continues right? School's stressful and summer's a bit of a waste of time.

Ah, bring on the stress.

G'night y'all!

Who the hell is Heath Ledger?

Uh...I mean...Oh my god isn't it so sad what happened to Heath Ledger?

Ok, so I CAN PROBABLY (woops, left caps lock on. I'm not gonna go back and change it though. Yeah, can you go back and edit what you say in real life? Nope. Nah baby, this blog moves freely) stop there. You know what direction I'm headed in with that rant. I could go on a bit further about how everyone needs to shut up about the Dark Knight...blah blah blah...yes the Joker was great...hahaha those 2 lines are even funnier when YOU repeat them...let's all just assume we have the same opinion about the movie, much like how we could all agree Green Day was pretty good up until American Idiot...blah blah blah...

What was that? That was sort of a rant about Heath Ledger/the Dark Knight turned into total garbage rambling. Why was it turned into garbage rambling? Because although I formed that opinion all by myself, I'm sure there's thousands of other douchebags writing the same argument on their unoriginal blog.

You just can't be original with a blog. Infact, me writing about a lack of originality in blogs...not that original.

There's two types of blogs. There's the "this is what I did today and this is what's going on in my life" blog and there's the "rant..blah blah blah" blog. Sure, you can have subcategories like "humour", "lists", "movie critiques" and "porn" but they all basically fit under those two categories. Porn is a bit of both actually.

My blog is quite obviously the second type. Just saying. We're all on the same page about what's going on here. Unoriginal bitterness.

I think it would be pretty cool to be famous (even just slightly) and write a blog. If you're famous you'll get total strangers reading your blog. Right now I've probably just got my girlfriend and possibly Nathan reading. No offense guys.

It's 1:10. I have to wake up in a few hours.

SEE? THAT DOESN'T EVEN FEEL ORIGINAL!

Those are my thoughts. Absolutely mine and absolutely true, and yet, again, some other dude, probably in a Scandinavian country, just posted the same basic idea 30 seconds ago. I'll bet you any money that happened.

It's occurring to me now that the time difference probably means I'm wrong. Well, we didn't shake on that bet so I can take it back. Fine though, some guy in Boston probably posted the same thing to his blog.

Now here's where it gets interesting (not really).  The first type of blog, the "this is what I did today and this is what's going on in my life" blog is somewhat original. They're writing about what's actually going on. But then, their blogs are so damn boring that who cares really?

Then again, they could write about problems with friends, family, pets, landlords. But everyone has those problems. So it's not all that original. But it is too. Deep, eh?

And watch, I'll give it a try:

So today I woke up and went to the ol' school to help out with the grade 9 registration. I learned something.

75% of those grade 9's are annoying shits. They're loud, obnoxious, stupid, fake, etc. etc. etc.

And wow, see? That's not original either. I hate when people jump on the "stupid niners" bandwagon and yet I just did it.

There's really no escaping it folks. All the best ideas have been taken.

Now walk away from your computer and let it hit you. I made my point in the second paragraph and then I just droned on.

What a terrible entry.

G'night y'all!

You! I'm calling you out. You! FUCK YOU!

Are you the obnoxious guy who always sits near me wherever I go?

Fuck you.

You're everywhere. You're all up in my grill. You think you're funny and you're not. When you sit behind me you kick my chair. When you sit in front of me (like you did tonight) you lean too far forward so I have to strain to see you know, just the freakin' batter, catcher and umpire. No matter where you are you're loud. I don't like you and I want your nipples twisted right the fuck off to the point where you're still crying a week later. Leave me alone pretty please.

Oh, right...I was going to NOT write a rant for a little while so I didn't sound too bitter. I guess I'm a bit bitter. But hey, at least the Jays won (big) for me.

My Grandma is awesome. You know what she did? She gave me 10 bucks tonight. 10 bucks. That was sweet. I'm going to put that towards a new guitar. Thanks Grandma.

See, I'm not so bitter. Well, maybe I am. Tonight at the game I got pretty frustrated with the world. The inning is over and the PA guy makes one of those "It's time for..." announcements. This one is for some gas company's t-shirts and so we're all supposed to look like fish fighting for food and make lots of noise to get one of these sacred t-shirts. And a good 50-60% of the crowd does so. And here's what I see, I see "OVER HERE! PASS ME A T-SHIRT! I WANNA BE A WALKING BILLBOARD!".

Good thing or bad thing that I think that way? Hmmmmmmmm. I think good overall but too bad for me. Anyone wanna trade thinkers?

I'm having a thought. If I was rich I'd totally kill raffles. I'd buy enough tickets to give me great odds at winning but make sure I didn't spend more than the prize was worth. That's good stuff. It wouldn't always work, but that's alright cause I'm rich. And it should work most of the time. And in that case I either get cool stuff that I want or I sell the prize and get richer.

I've got a bunch of plans that I think would be pretty ill to carry out. They're all guaranteed money-making schemes. My problem is that they all require me to be rich already.

I'd hire a full time lawyer too and his job would be to fight false-advertising lawsuits for me. Basically I'd set myself up to be the victim of false advertising and then, make money. Of course, I need the money for the lawyer first.

Sigh.

This is lacking direction again. It seemed like I had direction at first but no, I lost it.

G'night yall.

Indeed, I completely forgot what I was going to say

Yeah, I had an idea and everything for this little blog entry before actually sitting down to write it but... Oh fuck. I put a comma after the first word of the blog title, entry title and entry itself. What a terrible pattern. Kill me. Oh well. As a wise man said to me today, "why do we fall down?".

Mhm. A blog. It's almost like conforming cause everyone has a blog except, it's so personal. Does that make sense outside of my head? Either way, I generally don't like talking about myself so a blog seems contradictory to me. That's what 3:30 a.m. does. It's definitely like a slight buzz. Just barely soberness. Things seem like good ideas and then the next day you're like "fuck, I wasted a lot of time doing nothing all night". But then again, sleeping is a whole lot of nothing when you think about it.

Perhaps I'll teach myself a lesson. I'll make an early morning commitment to doing an entry at least once a week. That'll be every Thursday. Yeah give it a few weeks and I'll stop taking on projects in the middle of the night. Kinda like a rehab patient who doesn't make big decisions for a year. Or, of course, I could come to enjoy this. Hmmmmmmm...a rehab patient becoming addicted to making big decisions sounds dangerous. Dangerously great. A reality TV show I might watch.

Dude, did the Jays win? *Checks the score* Uh...stupid question? 5-1 Yankees. Fuck you. You better play better tomorrow night Jays. Cause I'm gonna come and spend a somewhat hard-earned 10 bucks on nosebleed tickets and you better put out like it's our honeymoon.

I definitely need to work on something for my next entry. Direction. This entry has zero direction.

Anyone notice how many trees have fallen around the city this summer with all the storms? Crazy stuff.

You know what totally ruins grass? Ants. Design flaw Mr. God. Design flaw.

And with that, I recognize that it truly is time for me to shut up, sleep and wake up sometime early afternoon. Yeah, next time I'll make sure to have a direction. I'll hold off on the rants for a little while. Maybe a couple entries before a full-on rant? 2 or 3 maybe? Wouldn't want to sound bitter...

G'night Y'all!